Why do I not feel like I should belong and OA, AND why I actually do...
I cried during the first OA meeting I went to. The tears were a combination of empathy, sympathy, relief and maybe a tinge of joy. Anyone with heart would have felt empathy for the speaker-a woman my age whose struggle with food was all across the board from bulimic to binger. Anyone who has done any of the myriad of things to lose weight and/or get as much food as they can would have sympathized with her. Relief often comes when you realize that you aren’t the only one doing all those things that pare the world down into 1. Do I look/feel fat, 2. What can I eat?, 3. Was I good/bad yesterday/how can I make up for it today? I wonder, how much of my life has been taking up by those 3 insidious questions.
As I sit in an OA meeting, I see people of ALL sizes. I think that is the most impressive part of OA. We are obese, chubby, voluptuous, skinny, anorexic. We are all expressions of humanity. We all have an addiction to food in some way. Food is part of life, but for us it IS life.
Memory: Sophomore year of college. My roommate would regularly make batches of cookie dough, to just eat the raw dough. I have no idea what her relationship to that dough was, but for me, I could never get enough-when that dough was made, our friendship was no longer at the forefront of the moment. It was no longer about sharing how our day was and laughing and playing together, it was, how much more can I get on my spoon. Later, I was crying. My other roommate said in response to my laments over the binge, “Rachel, it’s just food, it’s not worth crying over.” I thought that was such an interesting thing to point out-because for me it was worth crying over and I already had done that many times. I would bring these particular tears to therapy, I was already going for other reasons. None of the therapists thought that the tears were actually coming from food, they all thought it was for other issues-so it was never brought up that I might have disordered eating.
For the past few OA meetings, I have struggled with believing that in fact I AM an abnormal eater. While I am totally moved and impressed with the level of self-reflection and awareness OA members have-I often find myself really uncomfortable with being in the room. Perhaps it’s like when you are in a dark unfamiliar room and you switch on a flashlight, only to be fearful of what the light might reveal hiding in the corner. I want to embrace the 12 steps and to dive into the depths of years of disordered eating only because I see that other people have found recovery in that. I am not skeptical of the 12 steps but I am fearful that I will not have “what it takes” to get better. I don’t know what life looks like without the spotlight being on food. I don’t know how I might live differently.
I am not obese and I’m not anorexic. My fluctuations in weight have been plus or minus 20 lbs. When sitting next to another woman whose numbers are more in the 100s range, those 20lbs no longer feel valid. But for me they are life or death. They are happiness or depression. Well, I should clarify-that happiness is never really attained in either direction. I am surrounded in life by friends and family that are ceaselessly loving and supportive. I’ve always been told that I’m “beautiful and perfect just the way I am”. Yet, this makes no difference because the pounding thoughts of “Fat Fat Fat” in my head are somehow stronger and bigger than all the external love I could have in the world.
I’ve had skinny friends that also have disordered eating. This is the worst combination as it seems to reinforce my feelings even more....ex: “if she thinks she needs to lose weight, than I really need to lose weight...” And I’ve had fat friends who eat normally and never say a bad word about themselves. In my head, all of the internal judgements I have for myself are projected onto them...ex: “I can’t believe she would eat that, does she know how many calories are in it??!!”
It’s amazing to sit in an OA meeting and notice how many judgements I make on others, and how many judgements I project onto myself that others must be thinking. I’ve found that for as much empathy and lovingkindness I can send out to others, I can send out double/triple the amount of judgement on others and myself. Sometimes, this is when I tell myself I don’t belong in OA. Because if I really had a problem with food, I wouldn’t be able to cross my legs comfortably. But the truth is, that my thoughts and actions are just like that woman who can’t cross her legs, and we are both there and belong. Sometimes when I’ve been on a bingeing or restricting streak, I’ve been overcome with the fear that I’ll get morbidly obese, that there is a really fat person in me just waiting to come out and 30 years from now that’s what I’ll be for sure. I’ll be that woman whose been in OA for 25 years and still can’t change. That, for me is the ultimate sign of hopelessness.
OR, I could look at it like this. Maybe 25 years from now I will still be in OA. I will still have been up and down 20 pounds, but I will still be working daily with the tools of OA, because without them- I really couldn’t cope at all. Maybe OA is my secret to living happily no matter what weight I am. It’s not another “quick-fix” diet that I’ve discovered late at night on the internet after bingeing. Recovery is not about losing the weight, it’s about living and thinking differently. I’ve spent 25 years wired this particular way, and perhaps it will take another 25 years to rewire the system.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
something i don't know maybe
it's been called to my awareness that i tend towards the ambiguous side...sometimes this has been intended as flattery and other times it's been made clear that it is sort of hard to be around. i think at some point in my life i must have decided that mystery is romantichotsexy....that the unknown is intriguing and alluring. i think this mentality seeped in deep into the corners of my brain functioning so much so that my mysteries are not even solvable by me-the mystery master herself!
i often don't have any clue how i am feeling at any given moment. i am filled with conflicting, confused thoughts that are not sexy and are not intriguing.
i think my enigmatic piscean self has got the better of me
and then food. there is actually not much mystery around this. almost ALL of the time i know exactly how i am feeling in regards to food. i am feeling shamed. fat. guilty and blahblahblah.
to put things into a visual:::imagine this like layers of the earth
inner core: peace. pure lovely calm water cozy beautiful peace
outer core: wisdom, intuition, all knowingness
mantle: feelings. all of them-but mostly the ones that are in alliance with the outer core
crust: SEE?!!! there is a reason it is called crust! ah ha! only people with food addictions like the crust because it is so hard to let it go to the compost.
the crust is most exposed, it's entire surface vulnerable to the elements. the elements being that damn scale at the spa that i wish i hadn't stepped on, or the cultural judgements made on womens' bodies. the judgements that i make on my own bady.
i must break the crust and get the deeper goop. what am i REALLY feeling??? maybes and i don't knows no longer serve me.
do you think if i get through the crust, i could conceivably get past the food?
i often don't have any clue how i am feeling at any given moment. i am filled with conflicting, confused thoughts that are not sexy and are not intriguing.
i think my enigmatic piscean self has got the better of me
and then food. there is actually not much mystery around this. almost ALL of the time i know exactly how i am feeling in regards to food. i am feeling shamed. fat. guilty and blahblahblah.
to put things into a visual:::imagine this like layers of the earth
inner core: peace. pure lovely calm water cozy beautiful peace
outer core: wisdom, intuition, all knowingness
mantle: feelings. all of them-but mostly the ones that are in alliance with the outer core
crust: SEE?!!! there is a reason it is called crust! ah ha! only people with food addictions like the crust because it is so hard to let it go to the compost.
the crust is most exposed, it's entire surface vulnerable to the elements. the elements being that damn scale at the spa that i wish i hadn't stepped on, or the cultural judgements made on womens' bodies. the judgements that i make on my own bady.
i must break the crust and get the deeper goop. what am i REALLY feeling??? maybes and i don't knows no longer serve me.
do you think if i get through the crust, i could conceivably get past the food?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
travelling
the rut that our minds become entrenched in was once described to me as a Grand Canyon in the psyche...our thoughts and behaviors get in a groove so deep that it becomes the path. above the canyon walls there might be beautiful sights and sounds but unless you can scale the walls in a flash of an eye, that scenery isn't readily available.
so imagine yourself in this Grand Canyon of the Mind. EEEEK! for years and years it has been eroding deeper and deeper and walls keep getting higher and higher and the blue in the sky starts to fade to black because it's so far away, then you are below sea level then...then...nothing.
WHAT IS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH?
The Inner Core At the center of this spherical body of liquid is the inner core, a ball of iron alloy one-third the size of the moon. This metal ball is broiling hot at 11000 degrees Fahrenheit, comparable to the surface of the sun, but it remains solid because of the enormous weight of all the rest of Earth bearing down on it.
so metaphorically speaking of course,there see to be two options:
1. scrape away the canyon walls to slowly fill it up and level it off so there is only a slight depression in the landscape
2. keep going deeper. use the power of the canyon to get you closer to your core self. dig deeper. take the shovel out of the hands of your thoughts and use the good of your heart to take over the process of deepening and darkening.
#2....it means it's going to get darker. you won't see light for a long time. it will get more and more uncomfortable. it will get hotter the closer you get to that Burning Liquid Essence of You.
that is what i would like to choose right here and now. i spend a lot of time trying to pull myself up and out of darkness, but what if instead i used the force of gravity to pull me into truth, into my core of beingness?
in therapy tonight, i wanted to ask her how long she usually sees patients for. really this question means, how long can I expect to be in therapy for? but i know that actually, there is never a quick fix, there is often getting worse and getting better and then worse again and the only thing that i HAVE to do above all else is keep my Patience and Faith that someday,
i will live in The Most Radiant Hot BlissCore of My Being.
so imagine yourself in this Grand Canyon of the Mind. EEEEK! for years and years it has been eroding deeper and deeper and walls keep getting higher and higher and the blue in the sky starts to fade to black because it's so far away, then you are below sea level then...then...nothing.
WHAT IS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH?
The Inner Core At the center of this spherical body of liquid is the inner core, a ball of iron alloy one-third the size of the moon. This metal ball is broiling hot at 11000 degrees Fahrenheit, comparable to the surface of the sun, but it remains solid because of the enormous weight of all the rest of Earth bearing down on it.
so metaphorically speaking of course,there see to be two options:
1. scrape away the canyon walls to slowly fill it up and level it off so there is only a slight depression in the landscape
2. keep going deeper. use the power of the canyon to get you closer to your core self. dig deeper. take the shovel out of the hands of your thoughts and use the good of your heart to take over the process of deepening and darkening.
#2....it means it's going to get darker. you won't see light for a long time. it will get more and more uncomfortable. it will get hotter the closer you get to that Burning Liquid Essence of You.
that is what i would like to choose right here and now. i spend a lot of time trying to pull myself up and out of darkness, but what if instead i used the force of gravity to pull me into truth, into my core of beingness?
in therapy tonight, i wanted to ask her how long she usually sees patients for. really this question means, how long can I expect to be in therapy for? but i know that actually, there is never a quick fix, there is often getting worse and getting better and then worse again and the only thing that i HAVE to do above all else is keep my Patience and Faith that someday,
i will live in The Most Radiant Hot BlissCore of My Being.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
what is aching
my insides, i've noticed, literally ache with the desire to be filled with food. there is a very particular ache, barely distinguishable from the kind of ache that come from hunger. by hunger i mean that your stomach has digested all of the food from the previous eating and is empty. EMPTY. then you get HUNGRY. I would like to coin a new term to describe the kind of "hungry" when the stomach isn't empty. in fact, maybe i just ate a very healthy and delicious dinner.
i am in my room, painting or reading or doing hatha or facebooking. part of my mind is on the task at hand and mostly the other half, if not all-is wanting more food. times like these i feel like it would be useful for someone to strap me down....like locking up the liquor cabinet or washing my mouth out with soap. tonight i didn't i didn't i didn't eat. i persevered, powered through the aching. it hurt. i mean, i guess it was good for me-perhaps i should congratulate myself. but damn, i felt like a baby crying for her teddy bear that accidentally got left behind somewhere. and then does it mean that i "broke down" when i had a cup of hot chocolate with whip cream and a cookie (granted, all vegan and sugar free-not that it even really matters)?
after my kitchen rendezvous i went out for a brisk evening walk. down past the park to bring some leftovers to whoever is without and then to guerro street, past 1 2 3 bars then turned up towards a quieter part of the neighborhood.
i feel angsty. turbulence inside. teacher training was stimulating and engaging today but perhaps energy got loosened up then repressed? we started with Kriya practices, cleansing practices such a Tratak, gazing at a Yantra to purify the eyes and Jalaneti (neti pot). afterwards, with my eyes reeling from the glowing embers of the yantra and my sinus' singing with joy i lifted up into a headstand that people said made me look taller than when i am on my feet-go figure. then there was laughing meditation and i couldn't laugh so hard and couldn't really let go of the fact that i couldn't laugh...something became wrong here: "something is wrong with me, i'm so uptight, i'm too serious, i'm too blah blah blah...wrong wrong wrong"....but regardless, during a brief meditation and deep relaxation, i felt my insides glowing with light and love.
then snapped shut again.
i notice this happening often. i am wide open, love pouring out of me, a smile smeared across my face and then like book slamming, i shut down-my heart tightens and i feel irritable and separate.
it's this separateness that keeps me from getting close. i am noticing that there are SO MANY people around me that i choose over and over again to not get too close to. this is tightening my heart. i must move in this world without strain.
i am in my room, painting or reading or doing hatha or facebooking. part of my mind is on the task at hand and mostly the other half, if not all-is wanting more food. times like these i feel like it would be useful for someone to strap me down....like locking up the liquor cabinet or washing my mouth out with soap. tonight i didn't i didn't i didn't eat. i persevered, powered through the aching. it hurt. i mean, i guess it was good for me-perhaps i should congratulate myself. but damn, i felt like a baby crying for her teddy bear that accidentally got left behind somewhere. and then does it mean that i "broke down" when i had a cup of hot chocolate with whip cream and a cookie (granted, all vegan and sugar free-not that it even really matters)?
after my kitchen rendezvous i went out for a brisk evening walk. down past the park to bring some leftovers to whoever is without and then to guerro street, past 1 2 3 bars then turned up towards a quieter part of the neighborhood.
i feel angsty. turbulence inside. teacher training was stimulating and engaging today but perhaps energy got loosened up then repressed? we started with Kriya practices, cleansing practices such a Tratak, gazing at a Yantra to purify the eyes and Jalaneti (neti pot). afterwards, with my eyes reeling from the glowing embers of the yantra and my sinus' singing with joy i lifted up into a headstand that people said made me look taller than when i am on my feet-go figure. then there was laughing meditation and i couldn't laugh so hard and couldn't really let go of the fact that i couldn't laugh...something became wrong here: "something is wrong with me, i'm so uptight, i'm too serious, i'm too blah blah blah...wrong wrong wrong"....but regardless, during a brief meditation and deep relaxation, i felt my insides glowing with light and love.
then snapped shut again.
i notice this happening often. i am wide open, love pouring out of me, a smile smeared across my face and then like book slamming, i shut down-my heart tightens and i feel irritable and separate.
it's this separateness that keeps me from getting close. i am noticing that there are SO MANY people around me that i choose over and over again to not get too close to. this is tightening my heart. i must move in this world without strain.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
reaching vs. searching
when i was in italy during college i got really into printmaking. scraping, carving, etching an image deep into a surface. then you ink up the plate and the lines you have carved remain untouched by ink and the image comes forth with weight against paper. there is satisfaction in the repetition of inking, pressing, releasing. there is satisfaction in the great variety that can be produced with a single etching. i don't know what's making me think about this, i suppose am trying to tie this process into the process self realization.
one of the prints i made was became titled, "Searching Searching Searching" well, it was longer than that, but i only remember that part. there was a lighthouse and the beam of light was ceaselessly searching for something to bring out of darkness. i am reminded of that now. i am feeling like i could use a lighthouse right now. i KNOW there is a nice sandy beach somewhere very close by but i don't feel it between my toes yet.
i have noticed that by reaching for food i am in a sense, searching for lightness. of course what i end up getting is everything but lightness: heavy heart and gut. what is it that makes me reach for food in order to search for peace? many times i've read that people with BED (binge eating disorder) report a sensation of feeling "empty", and that eating literally fills an intangible void. by eating to the point of gross discomfort, the mind is so distracted by the feeling of physical fullness that there is no longer room to even consider the emotional emptiness.
at the time, the print that i made in Italy spoke of this feeling of emptiness. it might have had something to do with a broken, lonely heart. it might have had something to do with the angst of being a senior in college. i was in one of my favorite cities in the world and yet displaced by my own propensity for melancholia.
the list of reasons to not be happy could be endless. the list of reasons to be happy is shorter for the simpleness of truth. love and peace are always within reach, always within.
one of the prints i made was became titled, "Searching Searching Searching" well, it was longer than that, but i only remember that part. there was a lighthouse and the beam of light was ceaselessly searching for something to bring out of darkness. i am reminded of that now. i am feeling like i could use a lighthouse right now. i KNOW there is a nice sandy beach somewhere very close by but i don't feel it between my toes yet.
i have noticed that by reaching for food i am in a sense, searching for lightness. of course what i end up getting is everything but lightness: heavy heart and gut. what is it that makes me reach for food in order to search for peace? many times i've read that people with BED (binge eating disorder) report a sensation of feeling "empty", and that eating literally fills an intangible void. by eating to the point of gross discomfort, the mind is so distracted by the feeling of physical fullness that there is no longer room to even consider the emotional emptiness.
at the time, the print that i made in Italy spoke of this feeling of emptiness. it might have had something to do with a broken, lonely heart. it might have had something to do with the angst of being a senior in college. i was in one of my favorite cities in the world and yet displaced by my own propensity for melancholia.
the list of reasons to not be happy could be endless. the list of reasons to be happy is shorter for the simpleness of truth. love and peace are always within reach, always within.
Monday, November 30, 2009
innards and outards
my stomach hurts. and not because of a binge or throwing up and feeling anxious. i had a bowl of oatmeal and 10am, didn't eat lunch because i wasn't hungry yet, and then whoooosh-the ache came. this happens often and despite seeing specialists and herbalists and acupuncturists, this familiar ache still happens. it is this ache that i wish i could rip out my stomach and put in a new one, or give mine a healing bath and like magic it would all be good again.
oh but wait. this is not my stomach. let's be anatomically correct: the pain is actually located in the intestines...my stomach itself feels fine. i think my intestines literally knot themselves up with the anxiety of having to digest food that my mind wants to hate.
oh but wait. this is not my stomach. let's be anatomically correct: the pain is actually located in the intestines...my stomach itself feels fine. i think my intestines literally knot themselves up with the anxiety of having to digest food that my mind wants to hate.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Love Letter
when i was offered the job as Kitchen Mother/Manager at the Institute, i was deeply scared. i am STILL scared. imagine if you were an alchoholic and you were offered a prestigious job with a liquor company. the job comes with all sorts of benefits and you the skillset is what you want to learn and you and everyone else agrees that you would be perfect for the job. oh, you also have all the free booze you want. yay or nay?
taking the job here was like stepping into the most tender hotspot of my relationship with food. i enjoy eating but i cannot say that i love food. i know all sorts of things about food culture and i cannot say that i am a foodie. i cook beautiful meals for people everyday but i cannot say i am a chef. however, food as a symbol holds great power over me, and it is all that it symbolizes that i am most in love with.
Most of all, food means comfort. it means nourishment and coziness and warmth. it also does all sorts of amazing things: it calms, soothes, excites and protects. wow. that is a pretty spectacular list of attributes. I don't even do all those things!
sometime, i would like to write a love letter to food. that would mean a lot....i'm not there yet. even though food does all those fancy things i really don't like it. i feel the word "hate" rolling around on my tounge. i don't think this word is quite right...maybe disdain works better. i wish for things like anorexia, so at least i wouldn't be in such close contact with food-at least then i wouldn't be eating.
i'm confused. do i hate the food or do i hate the eating?
right now my letter to food is this:
Dear Food,
this is Eating, writing you. we spend A LOT of time together, but i know I've haven't been very nice to you. I've blamed, used, resisted, and controlled you - and you've always been there for me, taking care of me, helping me get through the day. thank you for that. it would be really great though if I could stop using you as a way to deal with my emotions. it would be so nice if I didn't work you overtime, by making you my favorite coping strategy. i think about you all the time. but you can see that i've idealized you. i've put you on a pedastal and made you more than you actually are. i have cried and cried over you, making myself miserable over your every morsel and taste. there are times when i have thought that it was different, that i've gotten over you and made peace with you-but i've only buried the issues deeper and deeper. so. i'm writing you a letter, because food: i would like to try to really change things this time. i am wanting SO BAD for things to be different between us and i am hoping that my pure desperation will facillitate change.
i would like to see you differently. i would like to just see you as food and nothing else-no solution no answer no prize and no defeat. you will just be what you've been since the beginning of time. you will soothe my physical hunger not my emotional hunger. you will nourish me and give me just the right amount of energy to help me on my life path. you will be carbohydrates, proteins, fats and minerals. that is all.
Love,
Your Friend,
Eating
taking the job here was like stepping into the most tender hotspot of my relationship with food. i enjoy eating but i cannot say that i love food. i know all sorts of things about food culture and i cannot say that i am a foodie. i cook beautiful meals for people everyday but i cannot say i am a chef. however, food as a symbol holds great power over me, and it is all that it symbolizes that i am most in love with.
Most of all, food means comfort. it means nourishment and coziness and warmth. it also does all sorts of amazing things: it calms, soothes, excites and protects. wow. that is a pretty spectacular list of attributes. I don't even do all those things!
sometime, i would like to write a love letter to food. that would mean a lot....i'm not there yet. even though food does all those fancy things i really don't like it. i feel the word "hate" rolling around on my tounge. i don't think this word is quite right...maybe disdain works better. i wish for things like anorexia, so at least i wouldn't be in such close contact with food-at least then i wouldn't be eating.
i'm confused. do i hate the food or do i hate the eating?
right now my letter to food is this:
Dear Food,
this is Eating, writing you. we spend A LOT of time together, but i know I've haven't been very nice to you. I've blamed, used, resisted, and controlled you - and you've always been there for me, taking care of me, helping me get through the day. thank you for that. it would be really great though if I could stop using you as a way to deal with my emotions. it would be so nice if I didn't work you overtime, by making you my favorite coping strategy. i think about you all the time. but you can see that i've idealized you. i've put you on a pedastal and made you more than you actually are. i have cried and cried over you, making myself miserable over your every morsel and taste. there are times when i have thought that it was different, that i've gotten over you and made peace with you-but i've only buried the issues deeper and deeper. so. i'm writing you a letter, because food: i would like to try to really change things this time. i am wanting SO BAD for things to be different between us and i am hoping that my pure desperation will facillitate change.
i would like to see you differently. i would like to just see you as food and nothing else-no solution no answer no prize and no defeat. you will just be what you've been since the beginning of time. you will soothe my physical hunger not my emotional hunger. you will nourish me and give me just the right amount of energy to help me on my life path. you will be carbohydrates, proteins, fats and minerals. that is all.
Love,
Your Friend,
Eating
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