it's been called to my awareness that i tend towards the ambiguous side...sometimes this has been intended as flattery and other times it's been made clear that it is sort of hard to be around. i think at some point in my life i must have decided that mystery is romantichotsexy....that the unknown is intriguing and alluring. i think this mentality seeped in deep into the corners of my brain functioning so much so that my mysteries are not even solvable by me-the mystery master herself!
i often don't have any clue how i am feeling at any given moment. i am filled with conflicting, confused thoughts that are not sexy and are not intriguing.
i think my enigmatic piscean self has got the better of me
and then food. there is actually not much mystery around this. almost ALL of the time i know exactly how i am feeling in regards to food. i am feeling shamed. fat. guilty and blahblahblah.
to put things into a visual:::imagine this like layers of the earth
inner core: peace. pure lovely calm water cozy beautiful peace
outer core: wisdom, intuition, all knowingness
mantle: feelings. all of them-but mostly the ones that are in alliance with the outer core
crust: SEE?!!! there is a reason it is called crust! ah ha! only people with food addictions like the crust because it is so hard to let it go to the compost.
the crust is most exposed, it's entire surface vulnerable to the elements. the elements being that damn scale at the spa that i wish i hadn't stepped on, or the cultural judgements made on womens' bodies. the judgements that i make on my own bady.
i must break the crust and get the deeper goop. what am i REALLY feeling??? maybes and i don't knows no longer serve me.
do you think if i get through the crust, i could conceivably get past the food?
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