it's been called to my awareness that i tend towards the ambiguous side...sometimes this has been intended as flattery and other times it's been made clear that it is sort of hard to be around. i think at some point in my life i must have decided that mystery is romantichotsexy....that the unknown is intriguing and alluring. i think this mentality seeped in deep into the corners of my brain functioning so much so that my mysteries are not even solvable by me-the mystery master herself!
i often don't have any clue how i am feeling at any given moment. i am filled with conflicting, confused thoughts that are not sexy and are not intriguing.
i think my enigmatic piscean self has got the better of me
and then food. there is actually not much mystery around this. almost ALL of the time i know exactly how i am feeling in regards to food. i am feeling shamed. fat. guilty and blahblahblah.
to put things into a visual:::imagine this like layers of the earth
inner core: peace. pure lovely calm water cozy beautiful peace
outer core: wisdom, intuition, all knowingness
mantle: feelings. all of them-but mostly the ones that are in alliance with the outer core
crust: SEE?!!! there is a reason it is called crust! ah ha! only people with food addictions like the crust because it is so hard to let it go to the compost.
the crust is most exposed, it's entire surface vulnerable to the elements. the elements being that damn scale at the spa that i wish i hadn't stepped on, or the cultural judgements made on womens' bodies. the judgements that i make on my own bady.
i must break the crust and get the deeper goop. what am i REALLY feeling??? maybes and i don't knows no longer serve me.
do you think if i get through the crust, i could conceivably get past the food?
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
travelling
the rut that our minds become entrenched in was once described to me as a Grand Canyon in the psyche...our thoughts and behaviors get in a groove so deep that it becomes the path. above the canyon walls there might be beautiful sights and sounds but unless you can scale the walls in a flash of an eye, that scenery isn't readily available.
so imagine yourself in this Grand Canyon of the Mind. EEEEK! for years and years it has been eroding deeper and deeper and walls keep getting higher and higher and the blue in the sky starts to fade to black because it's so far away, then you are below sea level then...then...nothing.
WHAT IS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH?
The Inner Core At the center of this spherical body of liquid is the inner core, a ball of iron alloy one-third the size of the moon. This metal ball is broiling hot at 11000 degrees Fahrenheit, comparable to the surface of the sun, but it remains solid because of the enormous weight of all the rest of Earth bearing down on it.
so metaphorically speaking of course,there see to be two options:
1. scrape away the canyon walls to slowly fill it up and level it off so there is only a slight depression in the landscape
2. keep going deeper. use the power of the canyon to get you closer to your core self. dig deeper. take the shovel out of the hands of your thoughts and use the good of your heart to take over the process of deepening and darkening.
#2....it means it's going to get darker. you won't see light for a long time. it will get more and more uncomfortable. it will get hotter the closer you get to that Burning Liquid Essence of You.
that is what i would like to choose right here and now. i spend a lot of time trying to pull myself up and out of darkness, but what if instead i used the force of gravity to pull me into truth, into my core of beingness?
in therapy tonight, i wanted to ask her how long she usually sees patients for. really this question means, how long can I expect to be in therapy for? but i know that actually, there is never a quick fix, there is often getting worse and getting better and then worse again and the only thing that i HAVE to do above all else is keep my Patience and Faith that someday,
i will live in The Most Radiant Hot BlissCore of My Being.
so imagine yourself in this Grand Canyon of the Mind. EEEEK! for years and years it has been eroding deeper and deeper and walls keep getting higher and higher and the blue in the sky starts to fade to black because it's so far away, then you are below sea level then...then...nothing.
WHAT IS AT THE CENTER OF THE EARTH?
The Inner Core At the center of this spherical body of liquid is the inner core, a ball of iron alloy one-third the size of the moon. This metal ball is broiling hot at 11000 degrees Fahrenheit, comparable to the surface of the sun, but it remains solid because of the enormous weight of all the rest of Earth bearing down on it.
so metaphorically speaking of course,there see to be two options:
1. scrape away the canyon walls to slowly fill it up and level it off so there is only a slight depression in the landscape
2. keep going deeper. use the power of the canyon to get you closer to your core self. dig deeper. take the shovel out of the hands of your thoughts and use the good of your heart to take over the process of deepening and darkening.
#2....it means it's going to get darker. you won't see light for a long time. it will get more and more uncomfortable. it will get hotter the closer you get to that Burning Liquid Essence of You.
that is what i would like to choose right here and now. i spend a lot of time trying to pull myself up and out of darkness, but what if instead i used the force of gravity to pull me into truth, into my core of beingness?
in therapy tonight, i wanted to ask her how long she usually sees patients for. really this question means, how long can I expect to be in therapy for? but i know that actually, there is never a quick fix, there is often getting worse and getting better and then worse again and the only thing that i HAVE to do above all else is keep my Patience and Faith that someday,
i will live in The Most Radiant Hot BlissCore of My Being.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
what is aching
my insides, i've noticed, literally ache with the desire to be filled with food. there is a very particular ache, barely distinguishable from the kind of ache that come from hunger. by hunger i mean that your stomach has digested all of the food from the previous eating and is empty. EMPTY. then you get HUNGRY. I would like to coin a new term to describe the kind of "hungry" when the stomach isn't empty. in fact, maybe i just ate a very healthy and delicious dinner.
i am in my room, painting or reading or doing hatha or facebooking. part of my mind is on the task at hand and mostly the other half, if not all-is wanting more food. times like these i feel like it would be useful for someone to strap me down....like locking up the liquor cabinet or washing my mouth out with soap. tonight i didn't i didn't i didn't eat. i persevered, powered through the aching. it hurt. i mean, i guess it was good for me-perhaps i should congratulate myself. but damn, i felt like a baby crying for her teddy bear that accidentally got left behind somewhere. and then does it mean that i "broke down" when i had a cup of hot chocolate with whip cream and a cookie (granted, all vegan and sugar free-not that it even really matters)?
after my kitchen rendezvous i went out for a brisk evening walk. down past the park to bring some leftovers to whoever is without and then to guerro street, past 1 2 3 bars then turned up towards a quieter part of the neighborhood.
i feel angsty. turbulence inside. teacher training was stimulating and engaging today but perhaps energy got loosened up then repressed? we started with Kriya practices, cleansing practices such a Tratak, gazing at a Yantra to purify the eyes and Jalaneti (neti pot). afterwards, with my eyes reeling from the glowing embers of the yantra and my sinus' singing with joy i lifted up into a headstand that people said made me look taller than when i am on my feet-go figure. then there was laughing meditation and i couldn't laugh so hard and couldn't really let go of the fact that i couldn't laugh...something became wrong here: "something is wrong with me, i'm so uptight, i'm too serious, i'm too blah blah blah...wrong wrong wrong"....but regardless, during a brief meditation and deep relaxation, i felt my insides glowing with light and love.
then snapped shut again.
i notice this happening often. i am wide open, love pouring out of me, a smile smeared across my face and then like book slamming, i shut down-my heart tightens and i feel irritable and separate.
it's this separateness that keeps me from getting close. i am noticing that there are SO MANY people around me that i choose over and over again to not get too close to. this is tightening my heart. i must move in this world without strain.
i am in my room, painting or reading or doing hatha or facebooking. part of my mind is on the task at hand and mostly the other half, if not all-is wanting more food. times like these i feel like it would be useful for someone to strap me down....like locking up the liquor cabinet or washing my mouth out with soap. tonight i didn't i didn't i didn't eat. i persevered, powered through the aching. it hurt. i mean, i guess it was good for me-perhaps i should congratulate myself. but damn, i felt like a baby crying for her teddy bear that accidentally got left behind somewhere. and then does it mean that i "broke down" when i had a cup of hot chocolate with whip cream and a cookie (granted, all vegan and sugar free-not that it even really matters)?
after my kitchen rendezvous i went out for a brisk evening walk. down past the park to bring some leftovers to whoever is without and then to guerro street, past 1 2 3 bars then turned up towards a quieter part of the neighborhood.
i feel angsty. turbulence inside. teacher training was stimulating and engaging today but perhaps energy got loosened up then repressed? we started with Kriya practices, cleansing practices such a Tratak, gazing at a Yantra to purify the eyes and Jalaneti (neti pot). afterwards, with my eyes reeling from the glowing embers of the yantra and my sinus' singing with joy i lifted up into a headstand that people said made me look taller than when i am on my feet-go figure. then there was laughing meditation and i couldn't laugh so hard and couldn't really let go of the fact that i couldn't laugh...something became wrong here: "something is wrong with me, i'm so uptight, i'm too serious, i'm too blah blah blah...wrong wrong wrong"....but regardless, during a brief meditation and deep relaxation, i felt my insides glowing with light and love.
then snapped shut again.
i notice this happening often. i am wide open, love pouring out of me, a smile smeared across my face and then like book slamming, i shut down-my heart tightens and i feel irritable and separate.
it's this separateness that keeps me from getting close. i am noticing that there are SO MANY people around me that i choose over and over again to not get too close to. this is tightening my heart. i must move in this world without strain.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
reaching vs. searching
when i was in italy during college i got really into printmaking. scraping, carving, etching an image deep into a surface. then you ink up the plate and the lines you have carved remain untouched by ink and the image comes forth with weight against paper. there is satisfaction in the repetition of inking, pressing, releasing. there is satisfaction in the great variety that can be produced with a single etching. i don't know what's making me think about this, i suppose am trying to tie this process into the process self realization.
one of the prints i made was became titled, "Searching Searching Searching" well, it was longer than that, but i only remember that part. there was a lighthouse and the beam of light was ceaselessly searching for something to bring out of darkness. i am reminded of that now. i am feeling like i could use a lighthouse right now. i KNOW there is a nice sandy beach somewhere very close by but i don't feel it between my toes yet.
i have noticed that by reaching for food i am in a sense, searching for lightness. of course what i end up getting is everything but lightness: heavy heart and gut. what is it that makes me reach for food in order to search for peace? many times i've read that people with BED (binge eating disorder) report a sensation of feeling "empty", and that eating literally fills an intangible void. by eating to the point of gross discomfort, the mind is so distracted by the feeling of physical fullness that there is no longer room to even consider the emotional emptiness.
at the time, the print that i made in Italy spoke of this feeling of emptiness. it might have had something to do with a broken, lonely heart. it might have had something to do with the angst of being a senior in college. i was in one of my favorite cities in the world and yet displaced by my own propensity for melancholia.
the list of reasons to not be happy could be endless. the list of reasons to be happy is shorter for the simpleness of truth. love and peace are always within reach, always within.
one of the prints i made was became titled, "Searching Searching Searching" well, it was longer than that, but i only remember that part. there was a lighthouse and the beam of light was ceaselessly searching for something to bring out of darkness. i am reminded of that now. i am feeling like i could use a lighthouse right now. i KNOW there is a nice sandy beach somewhere very close by but i don't feel it between my toes yet.
i have noticed that by reaching for food i am in a sense, searching for lightness. of course what i end up getting is everything but lightness: heavy heart and gut. what is it that makes me reach for food in order to search for peace? many times i've read that people with BED (binge eating disorder) report a sensation of feeling "empty", and that eating literally fills an intangible void. by eating to the point of gross discomfort, the mind is so distracted by the feeling of physical fullness that there is no longer room to even consider the emotional emptiness.
at the time, the print that i made in Italy spoke of this feeling of emptiness. it might have had something to do with a broken, lonely heart. it might have had something to do with the angst of being a senior in college. i was in one of my favorite cities in the world and yet displaced by my own propensity for melancholia.
the list of reasons to not be happy could be endless. the list of reasons to be happy is shorter for the simpleness of truth. love and peace are always within reach, always within.
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