what is aching

my insides, i've noticed, literally ache with the desire to be filled with food. there is a very particular ache, barely distinguishable from the kind of ache that come from hunger. by hunger i mean that your stomach has digested all of the food from the previous eating and is empty. EMPTY. then you get HUNGRY. I would like to coin a new term to describe the kind of "hungry" when the stomach isn't empty. in fact, maybe i just ate a very healthy and delicious dinner.
i am in my room, painting or reading or doing hatha or facebooking. part of my mind is on the task at hand and mostly the other half, if not all-is wanting more food. times like these i feel like it would be useful for someone to strap me down....like locking up the liquor cabinet or washing my mouth out with soap. tonight i didn't i didn't i didn't eat. i persevered, powered through the aching. it hurt. i mean, i guess it was good for me-perhaps i should congratulate myself. but damn, i felt like a baby crying for her teddy bear that accidentally got left behind somewhere. and then does it mean that i "broke down" when i had a cup of hot chocolate with whip cream and a cookie (granted, all vegan and sugar free-not that it even really matters)?
after my kitchen rendezvous i went out for a brisk evening walk. down past the park to bring some leftovers to whoever is without and then to guerro street, past 1 2 3 bars then turned up towards a quieter part of the neighborhood.
i feel angsty. turbulence inside. teacher training was stimulating and engaging today but perhaps energy got loosened up then repressed? we started with Kriya practices, cleansing practices such a Tratak, gazing at a Yantra to purify the eyes and Jalaneti (neti pot). afterwards, with my eyes reeling from the glowing embers of the yantra and my sinus' singing with joy i lifted up into a headstand that people said made me look taller than when i am on my feet-go figure. then there was laughing meditation and i couldn't laugh so hard and couldn't really let go of the fact that i couldn't laugh...something became wrong here: "something is wrong with me, i'm so uptight, i'm too serious, i'm too blah blah blah...wrong wrong wrong"....but regardless, during a brief meditation and deep relaxation, i felt my insides glowing with light and love.
then snapped shut again.
i notice this happening often. i am wide open, love pouring out of me, a smile smeared across my face and then like book slamming, i shut down-my heart tightens and i feel irritable and separate.
it's this separateness that keeps me from getting close. i am noticing that there are SO MANY people around me that i choose over and over again to not get too close to. this is tightening my heart. i must move in this world without strain.