rock bottom

a friend told me that she doesn't believe in "rock bottom". she says that at every single moment we have the ability to move forward and change our behavior. i believe her and i also believe that Rock Bottom can look different every time we arrive in this dark place. It can look SO different each time that every time we arrive here, our mind thinks it might be different this time and says, "this is it, i can't do this anymore, i MUST change." this change in scenery is so deceiving that we don't see that it's ALWAYS the same destination for the same path of thoughts and behaviors.
this time, I thought it would be good to pause here in this place and look around. i'm acquainting myself with this space that only with my great creativity and motivation, could i create.
Creativity and Motivation???!!! yes, my friend. i am THE GREATEST ARCHITECT of my life. and at this moment, and certainly in past moments, i've built for myself The Best Place to Feel Sorry for Myself. and like all of the tyrannies in history, this palatial wonder has been torn down and rebuilt a million times...ruins of the past are scattered all across the landscape of my history-some more spectacular than others, some mere shacks. i am so good at building these places to soothe and sorrow. and like many tyrannical empires, not very good at changing my behavior to change the end result. i would someday like to have a permanent home in a Kingdom of Love that i build with the most advance technology of all....LOVE. more specifically SELF LOVE.
the former four letter word seems so have so much more popularity in our world, garnering a wide range of reactions and definitions. for advanced scientific purposes i thought it would be helpful to give the definitions for these two words:

LOVE:

Main Entry: ¹love

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lufu; akin to Old High German luba love, Old English lēof dear, Latin lubēre, libēre to please

Date: before 12th century

1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love
2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
5 : a god or personification of love
6 : an amorous episode : love affair
7 : the sexual embrace : copulation
8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)
9 capitalized Christian Science : god

SELF LOVE:

Main Entry: self–love

Function: noun

Date: 1563

1: love of self: a : conceit b : regard for one's own happiness or advantage

WHAT??!! Merriam-Webster has got to get out another edition with a new and improved definition for Self Love. Should I really be so surprised at the brevity of this definition? And, isn't this interesting? it is almost some twisted kind of irony that i go seeking with naive earnestness what self love means and with such a mediocre answer, i am impelled forced made to create my own definition. this is the hard part.
i would also like to point out that the dictionary notes that the origin of the word "love" is from the 12th century, while "self love" is referenced to 1563. this is not surprising at all, in this case the egg came before the chicken: for we can see in the history of our own lives that it is out of the love that we felt for another that we understood what love is. and unless you were among the fortunate, you may never have been told by that other that you have that love within yourself! at all times! for and from you 24/7! on the contrary, we are often told that that kind of love is (note again the dictionary definition), narcissistic and self serving. actually, the more i read that dictionary definition again and again, the more infuriated i become. I AM REALLY ANGRY!!!
i am angry that i am 25 years old and i don't really know what my own definition is. sure, i could guess at what Self Love might mean, what it might feel like and how someone might practice it, but it's such a wavering ambiguous light, that to grasp at it is to lose it.

i can say without any doubt that i have been in love 4 times in my life.

i can say with much doubt that i love myself.

i am writing today because the path to Rock Bottom is becoming my own personal Grand Canyon. it is ugly and boring and lifeless and dark. i am looking around and all i see is the same ugly boring lifeless darkness stretching out for miles and miles and i want out. in fact, i believe that it is here that i am the most self serving narcissist hater bitch that i could ever be and i honestly don't know how Love (specifically the "in love" kind but inclusive of all love too) can exist in such a place?! how could anything grow here? i can say for sure that there is no green tenderness here, no blue clarity, no red passion, no yellow joy, no purple sweetness. it is devoid of color. yeah, not even black and definitely no white.


i am writing today because i once wanted to be an interior decorator and this would be the biggest design gig i could ever take on.

i am writing today because i am so greatly loved by my lover, my parents, my teachers, my friends that i MUST know self love SO thoroughly in order to love them to the fullest capacity of my being in return.